Felix

[shannonteverius]

After Shannon's brief conversation with Alcuin...

On the way to the Mirador Shannon had had plenty of time to work himself up from a simmering anger to a full on hurricane. The tension around him hummed, like lightning on water, except this storm wasn't safely on the horizon. It was quickly approaching Felix's front door. No one who passed Shannon thought to utter a word as he walked to his lover's apartment. Yet, when he stood in front of the door and knocked, his expression smoothed and when the door opened his smile was almost seductive.

"Felix," he purred, placing a hand on the man's chest and pushing forward. "May I come in?"

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[harrowgate]

The last thing Felix expected at his door was Shannon Teverius, pushy and promising, at this time of day. He was in his dressing gown and trousers, spending an evening in for once with a pile of books he'd not yet gotten around to. Startled, he blinked twice at Shannon, but stepped backwards as the other man seemed to want him to do.

"Darling, what a surprise. Of course, come in... whatever are you doing here?" Felix inquired, but a smile curved his mouth as he moved back and let Shannon enter. Initiative in Shannon was not new, but initiative outside the bedroom door was. This could be intriguing.

[shannonteverius]

Shannon smiled and stepped closer, rising onto his toes to whisper near Felix's ear. "Take a seat on the couch," he said. Then he turned to make sure the door was locked behind them.

[harrowgate]

Whatever had gotten in to Shannon, Felix thought he liked it. His plans forgotten, he let the door fall closed, and went the few steps toward the sitting area his small suite. A loveseat and pair of chairs were arranged there, quite comfortably for the guests he sometimes had, and Felix sank down with a flutter of his silk dressing gown in the center of the sofa. Spreading his arms across the back, he looked up at Shannon with bright, curious eyes.

[shannonteverius]

Shannon approached the sofa and moved behind it. He slid his hands over Felix's chest leaning down to bring his mouth close to Felix's ear. "You've been enjoying yourself lately," he said, his voice still that silken purr he'd started with. He straightened, letting his hands slide over Felix's shoulders as he walked around the couch. "Robin I expected. Alcuin isn't a surprise either really. He is very pretty." He stepped in front of Felix, their knees almost close enough to touch. "But, tell me Felix," he asked, his voice curious, "do you only lie to the men you sleep with or does everyone think we've broken up except me?"

[harrowgate]

He should have known it was a trap the moment Shannon appeared at his door. The light went out of Felix's eyes, becoming guarded suspicion masked behind careless cool. His posture did not shift one inch from his relaxed sprawl. "Is it a lie to say you and I are not living together? Or that our relationship is no longer exclusive? Darling, I'm afraid those are demonstrable facts."

[shannonteverius]

"They are," Shannon agreed. His voice and expression were still casual, as if this were a simple conversation. "Yet you purposefully let them think that we've broken up completely. I can understand your desire to embarrass me when you were angry, but I didn't think you'd want to hurt a sweet boy like Alcuin. He believes he's betrayed our friendship because he's been intimate with you."

Shannon wasn't sure about that last part but Alcuin was a kind person and he had been surprised by the news that Shannon and Felix has never been apart. Shannon didn't think it was too far of a logical jump. It didn't matter anyway, it helped to make his point.

[harrowgate]

Felix's eyes widened, though he worked to keep his expression under control. It would not be entirely unlike Alcuin to feel some guilt and confess to their intimacy, but Felix doubted it. Was Shannon only guessing? He forced himself not to take that conversational bait, and instead focus his energy elsewhere.

"Shannon, darling, I walked out of our flat, took my belongings, moved in here, and started seeing other people. If we aren't separated, what the devil do you think we are?"

[shannonteverius]

Shannon's head tilted thoughtfully. "I believe dating was the word you originally used," he mused. He looked down at Felix. "You wanted to start again. You wanted to see other people. You insist on this ridiculous notion of living here when we have a perfectly suitable apartment. I have agreed to all of these things, but whether you want to call this something or not, this is a relationship and we are together. I will not have anyone thinking otherwise." He leaned forward to bring their eyes to the same level. His gaze was intent but earnest as he said, "I am not going to give you up so easily just because you got scared and ran away Felix. If it were that easy we would have broken up long ago."

[harrowgate]

Felix could not get up; Shannon had trapped him quite effectively with his body, though Felix was not ready to concede a trap of words and emotions just yet. "I did not run away," he answered, even but very low, warning of oncoming danger. "I left because I could not keep pretending that I was who you thought I was. If this is a relationship, as you claim, then there must be two people in it, and yet you seem blissfully unconcerned by the question of how I fit into it."

His eyes narrowed faintly. "Except as something that belongs to you."

[shannonteverius]

Shannon sighed. "Not to me, Felix. With me," he said. Despite the thunderstorm of rage that had carried him here, Shannon didn't want to fight. He suddenly felt tired. He knew he had started this, slipped the first blade beneath the skin, and he was leaving himself open for a return assault, yet he couldn't find the energy to care. "I am concerned because I thought we were doing this to make our relationship work. I thought we were trying to be honest with each other and that we were in this together. As you say, a relationship must have two people in it. Do you even want to be with me or am I in this alone?"

[harrowgate]

If Shannon kept startling him with direct questions, Felix might find it more difficult to avoid them. So far, he had managed to remain guarded, coiled and waiting for any attack from which he might need to defend himself. Only Shannon didn't seem to be attacking, and this left Felix a bit unsure of how to respond.

"If I didn't want to be with you, I would stop asking you to see me," he pointed out, chin lifted, eyes wary but watchful. "How have I not been honest with you? I think I've told you quite plainly how I intend to conduct myself. I presumed you didn't want all of the details."

[shannonteverius]

"I don't," Shannon admitted, "but why are you hiding the fact that we are still seeing each other from those you are intimate with?"

[harrowgate]

Blasted direct questions. "Because it isn't any of their business," Felix snapped, and despite his annoyance, he was barking out the truth. "No one is under the impression that I'm going to fall in love."

[shannonteverius]

Shannon agreed the details of their relationship was no one's business. The vulnerability he shared with Felix was for Felix alone, but the fact that they were dating didn't need to be hidden. He disagreed with Felix on that. He wasn't going to hide it from anyone. He wanted the world to know, just like he always had.

"No one?" he asked, raising a golden eyebrow. His eyes scanned over Felix's position. He remembered sitting on Felix's lap once. It put them on a very nice level for kissing. He was tempted to do that again and shifted a little closer to Felix's knees. "You can't think of anyone who'd imagine you'd fall in love with them?"

[harrowgate]

Felix had opened his mouth to toss back a tart response, but an instant before he drew breath, his brain shut off his voice on a strange and unexpected signal from an organ buried somewhere in his chest. Something inside him recognized what Shannon was saying, recognized it on a deeper level than the devilish arguments of intellect or the visceral drives of shared passion. That same something yearned for the implication behind Shannon's words in a way both troubling and somewhat embarrassing to Felix's higher mind.

He both longed to be loved, and hated the idea of deserving it at the same time.

"Only one person," answered Felix slowly, like a test, touching a toe into these uncertain waters.

[shannonteverius]

Shannon saw the change in Felix when the attack turned into a reply. His heart began to race at the sound of those three words. The moment suddenly felt fragile and precious. Shannon yearned to be closer to Felix, to touch him, but he was afraid to move and break the spell. When he spoke, it was also done slowly, afraid of taking a wrong step with his words.

"Might this one person be allowed to imagine the possibility?"

[harrowgate]

"I've never been able to control his imagination," Felix answered, quietly and without malice. He did not look away from Shannon, even though he wanted to, even though he felt stripped and naked under Shannon's eyes.

[shannonteverius]

The yearning was like a physical ache. Shannon held a swirling mix of hope and fear at bay enough to ask, "Would you want to?"

[harrowgate]

Felix wanted Shannon in his arms so terribly that he had to curl his hands around the back of the sofa to provide a real sensation to combat the phantom emptiness. "I wouldn't dream of it," he whispered. "No more than I want him controlling me."

[shannonteverius]

Relief swamped Shannon but he heard the warning as well. He nodded in acknowledgment. "It is no one's business but our own what we do," he said, "but I am not going to keep our dating a secret. I would prefer it if you did the same." He swallowed. "And I don't want to know what you do with others," he added before giving in, finally, and sliding onto Felix's lap. He straddled Felix's thighs and settled his weight on Felix's knees. The indulgence was like a balm to his nerves. He took Felix's face in his hands and breathed his next words against Felix's lips. "As long as this is only ours," he said, and kissed him.

He hadn't meant the kiss. It was the moment, the imagining they had spoken about, the emotions that were never voiced but surely did exist that he had been referring to. He trusted his lover to know that, but poured his meaning into the deepening kiss anyway just to make himself perfectly clear.

[harrowgate]

From the moment Shannon slid onto his lap and into his arms, Felix barely heard what he said, let alone took the time to understand it. His lips chased Shannon's, his arms wrapped around the other man's body, starving for his warmth, and he kissed Shannon like his breath was the only thing keeping Felix alive.

[shannonteverius]

Shannon's fingers sank into the luxurious silk of Felix's hair and he moaned into Felix's mouth. He refused to let their lips part for even a second until oxygen became a necessity. Even then he stayed close, pressing his cheek to Felix's.

"Take me to bed, Felix," he whispered.

[harrowgate]

"In a moment," Felix promised, barely a breath in Shannon's ear. He did not want to move from this place, this precious now, when he felt so certain that Shannon knew how he felt without his needing to speak. His embrace tightened, as if Shannon might escape him if he didn't hold the man close.

[shannonteverius]

Felix's desire to stay where they were surprised Shannon but there was nothing that could make him refuse when Felix held him so tightly. He returned the embrace and settled his chin on Felix's shoulder. "Perhaps more than a moment," he said.

[harrowgate]

"Shannon..." Felix knew he couldn't say the words, arrested in his throat by a lifetime of proof that his love was unworthy, unwanted, and insufficient. It was like a curse, feeling this way about anyone: twisted, mutilated, and turned to ash. If Felix didn't speak it aloud, perhaps it couldn't curse Shannon.

He rested his forehead on Shannon's shoulder, hating that something other people found so simple became so ugly and misshapen inside him.